Even if I Had PMS, The Last Thing I Would Need is Milk

Yesterday I found out about a wonderful new ad campaign for milk which, according to NPR, stems from the "Got Milk?" campaign. This time, though, the ads ask men if they've "Got Milk" as a way to cure their apparently enraged girlfriend, sister, or wife of PMS. Um, "Got Douche Bag?"

I have news for the world: women menstruate as a result of their biology. Really, we don't do it on purpose. So why do we have to take so much crap for it?

PMS stems from the various hormone fluctuations that occur during a woman's cycle. These may have effects on the brain (or they may not, depending on each woman's biology), causing a woman to potentially become more emotional for a few days each month. The campaign is claiming that milk may be able to reduce these PMS symptoms while also sending the message that PMS turns women into raving lunatics every month who must be calmed down with a nice, tall glass of milk.

If you look on the bottom of the campaign's website (I mean wayyy down) on http://everythingidoiswrong.org, you will find the nice, tiny disclaimer stating, "Milk helps reduce a majority of women's symptoms after 3 months of taking 1,200 mg Calcium/day."

NPR took a look into the claim of the ads by speaking with epidemiologist Elizabeth Bertone-Johnson, the lead author of the 2005 paper cited by the milk group. The following are her quotes given to NPR:

"The site overstates the prevalence" of the PMS problem, she says. Clinically significant symptoms — those severe enough to have a real negative effect on daily functioning — affect about 15 to 20 percent of menstruating women.

"It's true that the majority of menstruating women have symptoms of some sort," she says, "but if they're not having an effect on daily life then it's probably not severe enough to be considered clinical PMS."

According to Bertone-Johnson, only 15-20 percent of women are affected in a truly negative way by PMS symptoms. Despite this fact, our culture constantly accuses all women of having it and becoming over-emotional, angry, and generally a huge bummer to be around because of it. It's an excuse to berate women, to put them down, and to disregard real emotions they may be feeling. Often times men may write off what a woman says completely by blaming it on her "PMS."

I would like to live in a world where I don't get made fun of for being a woman. One where the joke "What bleeds for seven days and doesn't die? A woman!" doesn't exist. One with more men willing to go out and buy me a box of tampons if I need them, like my boyfriend did the other day. That was actually really sweet, but only because i'm so used to guys acting like they just ran into Freddy Krueger when a girl even mentions the word "period" or "PMS."

I understand these ads are meant to be humorous, but mainly they are humorous for men because they are not the ones who are the butt of the joke. And not only are women the butt of the joke, but they end up being the butt of many jokes every single month if a guy finds out Aunt Flo has arrived.

If we look at social expectations and gender roles/norms set for women, we know that anger is seen as unfeminine. Many women cry when they are angry because sadness is a more acceptable outward show of emotion for women than anger is (on the flip side, anger is more acceptable for men to show than sadness). Claims that all women have PMS and it is what makes them angry or unreasonable only allow men to ignore women's genuine emotions and not have to deal with them. I know there have been plenty of times when I have expressed anger and a man's first response is "wow, somebody's on her period!" Very original, boys...and somehow it's still not funny.

I'm pretty sure medically proven PMS symptoms are less prevalent than the anger caused by men making jokes while women are simply trying to make--can you believe it--a real point.

Rainbows, Unicorns, and Braiding Each Other's Hair

It has been quite some time since my last post, I know, but life picks right back up after a three-week vacation to Australia...which basically means I'm broke and have been working my ass off to pay the bills. Now that I finally have some free time, your *favorite blogger is back!
(*may not be your favorite blogger)

A large part of my trip to Australia was getting to know the other girls on the trip. For myself, friendship is not always easy to come by or to maintain with other women. Given how the media often portrays the relationships between us, I figure what better way to contrast that than by talking about my new friendships with five other ladies.

What, exactly, does a friendship among girls/women look like, or sound like? Is it all rainbows and unicorns and braiding each other's hair, as Rob Schneider would have had us believe in "The Hot Chick"? Or, is it more like cat fights and snide, bitchy comments shared between soap opera BFFs?

Sometimes the media presents us with polar opposites. When it comes to female friendships, I think they do exactly that. Either we see these relationships as shallow and childish or as fake and *steeped in jealousy. In reality, female friendships run the gamut between these two examples.
(*look up "Frenemies" in your personal slang dictionary to learn more!)

In three weeks, I went from hardly knowing any of the five ladies I stayed with to considering all five of them some of the coolest, funniest, and most fun ladies to be around--friends. From day one we went in with no expectations of actually getting to know each other as well as we did.

Through the time we spent together we ended up having many conversations as a group, or between just a few or a couple of us. We shared stories about our lives, our hopes, our loves and our families. Sometimes we were very serious and candid with one another, and other times we were so giddy and silly that we probably would have all had *milk coming out of our noses had we been drinking any *milk. We accumulated a bunch of inside jokes over the weeks. You know you've made some real friends when you have inside jokes together.
(*substitute Passion Pop...they know what i'm talking about).

We didn't just have good times together, though. By the end of the trip we did have our tiffs, and had caught on a bit more to our key differences. Yes, there was some talking about each other behind backs--but, do I dare say we did that because we're women and for some reason can't be trusted? Perhaps our gender and communication styles do play a part in the gossipy aspects of friendship, but guys certainly do the same thing. Studies have come out showing this.

For some reason, when it comes to female relationships, the focus always gets shifted onto how women are inherently jealous of one another and see themselves as being in competition with girls they think are prettier, smarter, or funnier than them. Or, they idealize female friendships as perpetual sexy-sleepovers...idk what's up with that...my sleepovers usually resulted in me nerding out with my BFF and making Barbie movies with her parent's camera. That was fun. What we don't often see are accurate representations of our relationships with one another. Relationships that help us grow as people and individuals; relationships that have a deeper meaning than just having someone to do our hair and makeup with.

I was never one to make a lot of friends with girls because I had bought into these stereotypes when I was younger and thought for sure other girls were too high maintenance for me. It's unfortunate, because that kept from having more girlfriends at this point in life. I don't keep friends too close because I have had this idea in my head that i'm not "fun" enough (i.e. sexy sleepovers) or shallow enough (soap opera drama is too much for this mama). Isn't that stupid? It's stupid and it's too bad. So ladies, remember we aren't enemies, frenemies, or just hairdressers and fashionistas. We are so much more and together as friends we have so much more we can accomplish. It's silly to waste times on those stereotypical types of friendships just because they fall into a category of what's acceptable for females to do together, or how to act together.

Aussie boys vs. Aussie girls: Sexism Down Under

It's day three of my Australian adventure, and I am finally realizing that this is real and not just some trip over the rainbow cooked up in my dreams. There are so many amazing things about Australia, but I have already noticed a lot of the sexism that occurs here. One small thing I saw was a candy bar wrapper that stated "it's NOT for girls!" (you know i'm going to be buying that, right? Oh hell yeah i'm buying that...not for girls...pfft).

Women are certainly held to high standard of femininity here, much like in the U.S., but the men are also more "feminine" in appearance than would be considered appropriate by U.S. standards. They are very high fashion here in Sydney, and in meeting a few aussie boys they were quite vocal about how they think American men particularly are poor dressers.

The most alarming and bracing part of today's adventure was definitely talking to those australian boys some of us met here at the hostel. Many of the people we've met so far have been so nice, but these boys were loud and, well, quite vulgar. I'm sure not all the men here are like this, but these guys were throwing out the word "cunt" left and right. I had heard this is common in the OZ, but you can't honestly brace yourself for just how quickly you feel offended by this. I know that here it's more of a common curse word to use (by both men and women), but dear lord it is just so blatantly a product of the sexism here. The girls and I were NOT amused. Let's hope we don't have many more encounters like this...

On another note, a happier note, I got to meet two amazing Australian female surfers today! Some of the girls and I were lucky enough to have been walking down to the Opera house for breakfast today when we were stopped by a Public Relations Rep. for Vegemite. She gave us raffle tickets and directed us to the "Toast of a Nation" Van nearby, where we could sample Vegemite for the first time. We got our toast, got out of line, and just as we were about to take the bite a news anchor and camera man came over to our group and did a spot with all of us in it, filming each of us as we took our first bite. It was salty, but not bad. Afterwards, we were urged to go to the cinema nextdoor to watch the premiere of Vegemite's new ad campaign (I promise i'm getting to the point).

The new ads featured everyday Aussie's doing amazing (and sometimes just amusing) things. Among the people featured were two female surfers,Fran & Clare, just about to launch their own film production company called Just 'Cause. They talked about wanting to change the pecking order of the surfing world and promoting the girl power of female surfers everywhere. They were so intelligent, driven, and truly passionate...which was so wonderfully refreshing to see after all the sexism and ultra-femininity running around here. After the screening, we found out they were there, and we each got a photo taken with them! I just love all of the amazing women there are out there, and I promise to post that pic once I get home.

Next time, I'll be talking about building new friendships here on the trip. All I can say for now is, I am so delighted by how people and other women constantly surprise me. I am so happy to be getting to know everyone.

Until next time,
Cheers!

A Girl in the Land of OZ

G'day my faithful sheilas (and blokes). As you may have just guessed, OZ is slang for Australia, which I will be shipping off to in less than 24 hours! So, as a quick update, I figured I'd let all of you know that my next few entries will be centered around this trip. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for how men and women are treated differently in Australia and will also try to see if us Americans get treated any particular way.

According to my professor Viki, who is taking us on this trip, it is frowned upon for women to drink beer in Australia. I happen to love beer, so we'll see if that's true or not...

Thank you all for reading! I will post as soon as I can :)

Not Yet a Mother, but Already an Aunt

I have two nephews. I will also have a niece (unless surprised otherwise) by the end of the summer. When I became an aunt for the first time almost 10 years ago I felt so happy and lucky and proud to be a part of a child's life. Now, even though I have no kids of my own, I play an important role in the lives of what will soon be three amazing children.

Being an aunt has changed me. Those long nights of babysitting my nephews when they were 5 and 7 have given me a real perspective on what it's like to have kids. I've gotten to experience all of the absolute joy that comes from reading them a bedtime story. I've also gotten to experience what it's like to have to unplug a TV from the wall to get them to go to bed and stop turning it on (although, obviously, they knew how to re-plug the darn thing in). I've gotten so many hugs and smiles, but also a fair amount of the cries of "I hate you, Auntie Erika!!" when it's time to go to bed. As an aunt, I also get to be the "cool" role model in their lives. I got to be the first person who had them watch Star Wars (they loved it), and I'm the one they want to have help them play a video game--although, over the past few years, it's become more likely that they'd be helping me.

I have been putting a fair amount of stock in my status as a "cool aunt" over the years, but I never noticed how little appreciation us aunts get from society--until now. Once again, the wonderful NPR brought a new book to my attention.

The book is "Savvy Auntie: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers, And All Women Who Love Kids." In this book, author Melanie Notkin brings attention to the lifestyle of women who “don’t have children, but still love them.”


In the book, Notkin pays tribute to all the women of the world who can call themselves a "PANK": Professional Aunt, No Kids. This can mean that the woman is currently holding off on having kids of her own, or it can mean she never wants her own kid; but, just because a woman doesn't have kids, doesn't mean she can't love the bejeesus out of them at the same time. Whether it be biological nieces and nephews, or acting as an aunt to your best friend's kids, PANKs play an important role in children's lives.

After reading the excerpt from the book, I had one of those lightbulb moments. I realized that Notkin is making a very bold and important statement: that even without having kids of her own, a woman can still be motherly and love children--those women are the "cool aunts" or "savvy aunties," as Notkin would say, of the world.

As one such "cool aunt," I have nephews but I also have a lot of friends who just recently had children. I know I'm not ready for that phase in my own life, but I just love kids. So, I make an active effort to make sure all of those women in my life who are mothers know that they have my support. I want them to feel proud that they are moms, and by doing that I'm very proud of whatever small role I can play.

Although I'm not part of the Mom Club, I can relate to mothers because I've been an aunt. Even though I get to take breaks from the screaming fits and the constant play time, it doesn't mean I don't have to fill out some mom-like shoes sometimes. Like Notkin told NPR, being an aunt is about balancing between being the fun role-model and being a disciplinarian. Us aunts help to make sure the kids follow mom & dad's rules (and help them break said rules every once in a while...when appropriate), and we also are going to act as teachers to them throughout their lives.

I know I'm definitely picking this book up next time I'm at the bookstore, and I'll be sure to give a full review. Until then, take a look at the site created by Notkin for proud PANKS everywhere, savvyauntie.com.

Undesirable Myth No. 1

Last night I, my boyfriend, and one of his friends caught up on episodes 2 & 3 of HBO's new series, "Game of Thrones." For those who don't know much about it, the show is based on the book series "A Song of Fire and Ice," by George R.R. Martin, and is set in a mythical world of Kings and Queens. The characters engage in a battle for the Iron Throne and are learned in the ways of war, intrigue, incest, backstabbing and scheming. It's similar to Lord of the Rings in that it's a fantasy, but it is quite a bit less light-hearted and portrays some rather harsh realities lived out by the many characters.

One of the hard-to-watch aspects of the show is how some of the women are treated. As we were watching episode 2, Princess Daenerys, who had recently been married to a brutish warrior-leader, was obviously being raped by this new husband of hers. They definitely made this clear in the scene--she was crying and clearly didn't want what was happening to her--and I commented on how her husband was obviously raping her.

And then I heard it, Undesirable Myth No. 1: "You can't rape your wife."

It was said by my boyfriend's friend. Of course, this launched me into a thoughtful and measured rebuttle of said myth.

First of all, you can most certainly rape your wife. Just because two people are married does not mean the woman consents to having sex with her husband whenever he wants. Obviously, if she is crying and saying "no," that constitutes rape. Up until the 1970s, marital rape was not considered a criminal act and many men actually did believe "you can't rape your wife." I suppose the logic is something like this: She consented to marrying me, therefore she consented to everything that entails at all times. Fortunately, marital/spousal rape has now been criminalized, largely because rape within marriage is a form of physical abuse which accompanies other abuses. The unfortunate part is that, from his comment, I realized this myth is still floating around.

However, it got me thinking about the feminist aspects of the show. Several issues relating to women or to gender roles are portrayed in the series, and all of these have thus far opened up conversation between my boyfriend and I (or whoever else we watch it with).
In the scenes where a woman is being touched in a sexually unwanted way, her pain and emotion is made quite clear. There is no romanticizing it. Also, the women of the series have quite powerful and important roles--even despite abuse or hardship they are already rising above and show just as much cunning as the men (usually more).

One of the most interesting gender aspects of the show lies with the character Tyrion Lannister, who happens to have the condition of dwarfism. But, as the character bio cleverly states, "What Tyrion lacks in height he makes up in wit." Tyrion is a character who never lets his "disability" hinder him, and he also doesn't over-compensate by being overly macho--he's so interesting to watch. So confident, but never in a fake way. I think that makes him a fantastic male role-model.

Also, there are moments that depict a young man openly worried about his younger brother, and despite the violence in the show (which is actually not as much as I thought) it also shows a comparable number of scenes where men are shown displaying emotions--worry, hurt, familial love (no, i'm not talking about the incest) and regret.


But, the thing that most makes me love this show is the character Arya Stark. She is the youngest daughter of Lord Ned and Lady Catelyn, and she is one fierce, tough girl. She is regularly shown ditching "feminine" activities to upstage the boys, whether it be in archery or fencing. At the end of the third episode, Arya is shown learning from a master how to properly fence, and she actually beats up the young prince at one point.


Although the show can be sexually graphic at times, I consider it a good thing that it tackles some difficult topics like marital rape and unwanted pregancy, as well as disability and how that affects men, or what it's like for little girls wanting to be warriors like the little boys.

To find out more about "Game of Thrones" and the cast of characters, visit HBO.com

Osama bin Laden is Dead: Oh Happy Day?

"Perhaps, when we remember wars, we should take off our clothes and paint ourselves blue and go on all fours all day long and grunt like pigs. That would surely be more appropriate than noble oratory and shows of flags and well-oiled guns."-Kurt Vonnegut

May 1, President Obama addressed the nation to announce that Osama bin Laden had finally been killed by U.S. troops in Pakistan during a covert operation. The address was televised at 10:30 p.m. CST, but many found out more than an hour beforehand. I learned of bin Laden's death on Facebook, like so many others who found out via Facebook, Twitter or text message. From 9:36 p.m. (the exact time I learned the news), to the time of Obama's address, an explosion of status updates praising bin Laden's death were posted.

When I found out last night my reaction was less than celebratory. I suppose I was relieved he had finally been killed, but will it really change anything? Did the threat of terrorism die with him? Certainly not. I think the reason my heart kind of sank when I heard the news was because, ultimately, I know that taking his life in no way stops the taking of more lives.

I am a feminist who does not believe war can be beneficial to society. I also do not believe in torture or capital punishment. So when people are actually out celebrating someone's death--no matter how terrible a person they might have been--it just feels wrong. Instead of celebrating this should be a time when we show the world that taking life has weight with all of us, and that we do not see death as victory, but rather we see the passing of an enemy as an opportunity to look into ways of making peace in the world.

I have to say (and this doesn't happen often), that I really admire the statement put out today by the Roman Catholic Church. It stated: "Faced with the death of a man, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibility of everyone before God and man, and hopes and pledges that every event is not an opportunity for a further growth of hatred, but of peace."

What I always remind myself of when the media is talking about terrorists or other "enemies" is that they are people. They are human beings who, along the way, had certain experiences that left them with a very different belief system than mine and a very different perspective of the world. This lead them down a path which I and my society view as dangerous and wrong. But, if I were to have lead their life, would it seem so wrong to me? I know that seems pretty ridiculous to most people, but people have so many vast and varied experiences living in this world that some end up as the "enemies". To them, their life is valuable, and for that reason I see no reason to raise our flags or fists in celebration of another life lost.

NPR also seems to have been thinking the same thing as me these past 24 hours. To check out their article, go to npr.org

"The Feminist Backlash"

Anger: i.e. You are angry. I am angry. We are angry.

A few people on campus are very angry right now. "okay...so why are they angry?"

A few feminists are very angry right now. What might the reaction to this be?..."Aren't all feminists angry?" (hahahaha, very funny)

My sad admission is that throughout this past week it had kind of seemed that way to me. Luckily, my favorite feminist professor along with my trusty band of fellow-student feminists reminded me tonight that feminism is my happy place. Breathe in, breathe out. Wax on, wax off. They are very wise women, and I am so very thankful to have them around.

Still, I am now trying to figure out how I feel about the results of when feminism & anger are combined. So, I would like to discuss the issue of anger and feminism and whether it can divide feminists, bring us together, or get misplaced in negative ways.

After those two opinion articles on feminism I wrote about in my last post, there are certainly quite a few feminists on campus who are VERY angry. Angry to the point of, well, perhaps harrassment of my current editor-in-chief. I would just like to say, he really is innocent in all of this. Mistakes get made. Yes, he is a man. No, he is not conspiring to silence the voices of the feminists on my campus.

Is it necessary? Is it helpful? Is it furthering stereotypes? More than anything, is it wrong to react with such anger?

I don't think it is wrong to be angry, and I certainly don't think feminists (simply by being feminists) should worry about showing their anger. However, being angry while being a feminist can put a girl in some hard-to-navigate territory.

What I always liked about feminism and feminists is that we talk about things, we open up discussion...which had been happening over these articles. At one point on our women's studies Facebook page someone suggested we start a feminist student org in response to the mysoginistic opinion article. Great! That is a fantastic solution which would further open up discussion about feminism.

But what I've also seen this week is a lot of misplaced anger. Many are blaming everyone involved on my campus paper (boycotting it) or are now sticking the finger to the man (my editor-in-chief) by writing email after email and stalking our office (this is mostly just one person). This is not productive.

I think it was good for people to get angry about what was said in our paper, and it was a good idea on everyone's part to write letters to the editor in response. That was so great to see. But, on the other hand, it is not helpful to suggest in an open forum that the editor-in-chief (who didn't write the article) is actively involved in a "feminist backlash."

By doing this--by ignoring our newspaper's attempts to apologize for said article--I think that is where anger starts to hurt the movement. Yes, we should get angry over issues and how feminism is misunderstood, but I don't believe we should direct anger at specific people, not even the writer necessarily, because that just feeds into the "angry feminist" stereotype and, in the end, it doesn't help teach others about what feminism is really about.

My big thing is that, in feminist theory, we always talk about how many people have false perceptions of feminism. Also, given how boys and girls are raised in this society, men often don't realize just how much more power and privilege they have in life compared to others (e.g. women). So, it makes sense to me that a male writing an opinion piece on feminism would get it wrong, not cite any facts/data, and assume he has it right. Is this frustrating? Oh heck yes, but instead of just directing all kinds of anger his way I try to sit and talk about it. I have encouraged him multiple times to look at feminist writers or have mentioned the benefits feminism would have for men.

I have always been a pacifist, so I admit that I am biased against anger as a reaction. That's just how I am. However, anger to the degree I have seen this week is not only going to keep people from actually changing their perceptions of feminists--it could very well drive some feminists away. I certainly have felt alienated and hurt and frustrated over this catastrophe all week, and I don't want to be a part of something that comes off as hateful and exclusionary. Like I said before, though, I'm lucky enough to have a great group of fellow feminists within the department to turn to, and they most certainly embody the kind, loving, intelligent/wise aspects of feminism that will always draw me to it.


On another note, I wanted to brush off all of this anger and frustration. So, I picked up a copy of "Bossypants," Tina Fey's new book. It already has me laughing, and hopefully I can finish it quickly (before I get too bogged down in finals) to post a snazzy review!

Anger Sharks: Why Is Feminism Misunderstood?

"Males as a group have and do benefit the most from patriarchy, from the assumption that they are superior to females and should rule over us. But those benefits have come with a price. In return for all the goodies men receive from patriarchy, they are required to dominate women, to exploit and oppress us, using violence if they must to keep patriarchy intact. Most men find it difficult to be patriarchs. Most men are disturbed by hatred and fear of women, by male violence against women, even the men who perpetuate this violence. But they fear letting go of the benefits. They are not certain what will happen to the world they know most intimately if patriarchy changes. So they find it easier to passively support male domination even when they know in their minds and hearts that it is wrong. Again and again men tell me they have no idea what it is feminists want. I believe them. I believe in their capacity to change and grow. And I believe that if they knew more about feminism they would no longer fear it, for they would find in feminist movement the hope of their own release from the bondage of patriarchy." -bell hooks, "Feminism is for Everybody"

The anger sharks have been swimming around my brain since last Monday. Why? Because of two opinion articles in my campus newspaper (which I will be a co-Editor in Chief of next year), both written by men and both about feminism. Sufficed to say, these articles contained no real facts about feminism today...sending my beloved women's and gender studies department on campus into a full-on uproar. They are livid, and I feel guilty for not having snatched away these boys' keyboards. The one upside, though, is it turns out this may actually be a good thing. We received plenty of letters to the editor about the article, thus putting some truth about feminism out into the print world.

However, it pushes me to ask a crucial question: Why do so many people, men especially, misunderstand feminism and feminists?

Judging from what those two wrote, it's easy to see that the movement is still defined by the things which defined it in the 60s and 70s--workplace equality, namely. Somehow, though, "workplace equality" got translated over the years to mean "eliminate the men" to a lot of guys (and women). Do people know what "equality" actually means? Sometimes I worry.

Fact: Even radical feminist theory does not aim to eliminate or "exterminate" men; it suggests instead that women create woman-only spaces in which they can feel safe and free from patriarchal oppression.

Another fact: When a movement aims for complete equality regardless of race, class, gender or sexuality, it tries to accomplish a state of being equal in status, rights, and opportunities. Feminism is one such movement.

It is difficult for me to understand how some people have managed to convince others that feminism is NOT about equality. Then again, maybe it's not so hard to figure out. After all, strong women who push themselves and excell in their chosen fields are constantly met with resistance, such as being labeled a "bitch" or a "butch" or just plain "cold." As soon as ambitious women began to appear in workplaces, the accusations of these women wanting to be better than their male counterparts also began to appear.

But, honestly, a few motivated women amongst a sea of competitive and ambitious men should not scream "women are trying to take over the world" to anyone.

Deviant Mother Incites a Media Frenzy: Is it OK to paint your son's toenails pink?

By now most of you are familiar with the recent J. Crew ad featuring designer Jenna Lyons painting the toenails of her 5-year-old son, Beckett, with neon pink polish.

For a little over a week political pundits, parents and psychologists alike have hotly debated whether or not it is OK for boys to wear pink. According to Dr. Keith Ablow, psychologist and Fox News contributor, it is most certainly NOT OK.

"Yeah, well, it may be fun and games now, Jenna, but at least put some money aside for psychotherapy for the kid—and maybe a little for others who’ll be affected by your 'innocent' pleasure," Ablow said in his article on Fox Health.

Ablow also went on to argue that allowing boys to "playact like little girls" is as unwise as "to dress little girls like miniature adults (in halter tops and shorts emblazoned with PINK across the bottoms)."

Yet, why does he argue for the strict curtailing of gender exploration by boys while mentioning the need to keep girls innocent, rather than point out an equal need to keep girls from experimenting with masculine identities or activities? If he is going to argue that the color pink somehow makes this little boy "transgender" (which yes, he did allude to), then he might as well argue that liking the color blue does the same to little girls. Sexualization is a big issue with raising young girls, this is true, but is it comparable to boys experimenting with pink toenail polish? No. Also, if you're going to argue for keeping little girls innocent, why not argue the same for the boys? Do we ever hear people like Dr. Ablow point out how sexualizing little girls also has an affect on the little boys and how they perceive those same girls? What about the increase in aggression among young boys and men? Do we decry that on the same level? No. In fact, Ablow seems to think that aggression should be praised, stating, "I wonder what Jenna would think if her son wanted to celebrate his masculinity with a little playacting as a cowboy, with a gun? Would that bring the same smile of joy and pure love that we see on her face in the J. Crew advertisement? Or would that be where she might draw the line?"

Oh, so playing with a gun is somehow better than the color pink if you're a boy...yeah, that sounds like a great thing to encourage.


What I've noticed this past week, after browsing several sites, is that there has been little said on those double-standards male and female children are held to. It is much more acceptable for a little girl to explore "masculine" identities--playing with trucks, tools and action figures--than it is for young boys to explore "feminine" identities by playing dress up or wearing the color pink.

Yet from the looks of things, many parents of young boys have witnessed their children engaging in definitively "female" play, such as caring for a doll or dressing up as their favorite Disney princess.

For instance, on the Parenting.com article that weighed in on the issue, commentor Natalie P. had the following to say:

"I have a 4 year old son with my partner. We are a loving family, where the parents happen to be 2 lesbian mothers. He is surrounded by girls most of the time...he and my niece are obsessed with Cinderella right now. they like to wear dresses and BE Cinderella. I have absolutely no problem with it. Before Cinderella, they were obsessed with cars and wore Lightning Mcqueen baseball hats. Both of them. No one ever tells a girl that she cant like cars but they do tell a boy that he cant like dresses..."

I personally see nothing wrong with this ad, and even consider the mother-son time pictured to be incredibly healthy and beneficial to young Beckett and mother Jenna's relationship. When boys are taught that pink is actually an OK color and not something to run screaming from, they learn not to fear the things considered "feminine" and thus will be more free in determining their likes and interests in the future. Not to mention, boys who are OK with the girlie stuff will likely relate to girls better down the road--and the opposite is true for girls, as well.

Dr. Susan Bartell appeared on the CBS Early Show to talk about the ad and the attacks on Lyon's parenting choices.

“[Our kids] gender is going to emerge naturally as part of who they are and has nothing to do with whether we put pink nail polish on them,” Bartell said.

I would like to point out that pink, historically, had been the designated baby color for boys, while blue was for girls, up until the 20th century. This fact alone is proof that the color you wear in your formative years has little to no impact on your gender. If that were the case and Dr. Ablow was correct in his assumptions, then today's society would be chock full of transgendered men and women, as opposed to the roughly 1 percent of the population who currently identify themselves as such.

And why shouldn't boys like pink? It's bright and vibrant, full of life and vigor. Pink makes a statement. Yet today everything from toys to clothing to toaster ovens get drenched in pink and are marketed exclusively toward girls. Walk through any store past the toy aisles and you may begin to wonder if girls are aware that other colors exist.
The strict assigning of gender roles is apparent, and more and more often any deviation of children from gender norms will either be put in check by a parent, by a peer, or in this case by the media.

Frisky Friday

Truth be told, this has been a stressful week. A week of worrying about what to write for this blog, what to write about for my advanced reporting class, and what to write for my research paper on adoption law. Amidst all this stress, my mind, for no reasonable explanation at all, has been fixated on one thing: sex.

Yes, I have to admit that I may be shamelessly engaging in sexual acts with my boyfriend as a means of escapism (and stress relief), but I also admit that it led me to some very interesting things.
Namely, it has led me to ponder attraction, sexiness, the act itself and how feminism has perhaps changed my ideas regarding sex and sexuality. Usually I wouldn't just out and admit that I've had sex on the brain, but in relation to feminism it is too good a topic to let fall to the wayside.

As a result of things, I ended up Googling the words "sexy" and "feminist"...and lo and behold Google answered my prayers by returning the result of sexyfeminist.com, a "no-guilt guide to being a modern feminist."

A lot of people don't exactly think "sexy" when they hear the word "feminist." Usually they think the opposite. But honestly, who wouldn't find these traits sexy? :
intelligence, confindence, passion, curiosity, being outspoken? As a young, modern feminist, I find that more and more aspects of the movement focus on how feminism doesn't necessarily mean sexing yourself down.

In feminist circles, sex is a tricky topic...well, it's a tricky topic in general.
On the one hand, there are feminists who see sex as a power play--a struggle between dominance and submission in which the female is most often put in the submissive role. On the other hand, there are feminists who embrace the sexual freedoms we are granted today, which are fairly new to us women. It really wasn't until the 60s-70s (the 2nd wave) that women began to fight for their right to enjoy sex and to want pleasure for themselves, rather than just dishing it out to the men. Both these types of feminists own their sexuality (whether they be straight or gay) by learning about their bodies and what they want and how they get pleasure.

Is one better than the other? Not at all. And many people fall in between these two schools of thought.

So, my point ladies, is that with feminism you can express your sexual nature as freely as you wish, or you can be as carful with it as you wish. I find that I exercise both at various times: If a guy seems to be bossing me around, wanting "x" done to him, it usually results in me turning "x" down--i'm not a plaything or your sex-robot. However, feminism usually makes me feel sexy and confident, and that makes it all the more fun. Even better is that, when I do have sex, I know it's because me and my boyfriend are mutually engaging in the "deed" together.

Sex should be fun and uplifting, and I am a huge advocate for sex education playing a big role in this. A major aspect of sex, love and attraction is being educated about these things, and I for one have a serious debt to pay to Planned Parenthood for all the wonderful services and help they provide. I was so happy to learn today that the U.S. Senate voted not to cut federal funding to Planned Parenthood. Ah, sweet victory.

It was at sexyfeminist.com that I found the following video, which I found particularly appropriate with this win in the Senate.



Along those lines, I have got to urge everyone to check out bedsider.org. It is still in it's beta version, but this site is chalk full of not only birth control help/info (text alerts for when to take your next pill? Genius), but it also has "Frisky Fridays"--which I pay homage to in the title of this blog entry. It's a column akin to the feminist version of cosmo how-to's; but, these how-to's teach girls more about how to love themselves in addition to loving another.

So there it is. I have sex. What I've found with feminism is that I not only have sex, I enjoy it far more.

Biological Determinism and Bowling

I never go bowling. I just don’t. I think the last time I had gone bowling was last summer, and before that, it had been years. Even so, when my roommate wanted to go bowling this past Friday night I opted to go with because I was up for some fun that didn’t involve the bars (and subsequently didn’t involve males and females humping everyone within range of their genitals).

After playing one game with my roommate and a mutual male friend, another two male friends of my roommate showed up. As soon as these other two boys joined us, I could tell the game was suddenly turning into more of a competition. Mostly this competition seemed to be about how they threw the ball down the lane…? All I can say is they were kind of rocketing the bowling balls down the lane by kind of launching the ball from their hand. It was amusing, and surprisingly effective. I opted not to attempt such form, as I have little bird arms and probably would have launched my ball into another lane or behind me (which I have, in fact, done in the past).

It came to be my turn again. I got a couple pins, but barely. I turned around with my typical “gosh-darn-it-I-missed” face on, coupled with a big smile. I was just having fun and didn’t particularly care that I obviously was the worst bowler in our group.

As I picked up another ball for the second attempt, one of our new male companions felt compelled to say, “You bowl like such a girl.”

I was temporarily livid. A girl? How does a girl bowl, anyway? Was he implying that all girls bowl poorly? Did that mean that throwing the ball haphazardly was how you bowl “like a man?” I mean, I know I’m not good at it, but that’s mostly because I have no practice…NOT because I’m a girl. Or, perhaps he was just referring to the way I was throwing the bowling ball down the lane. Although I don’t see how that could be deemed strictly “girlish” in form…like I said, I sure wasn’t going to try it the way they were doing it. I didn’t come to try and kill someone by way of stray bowling ball.

Rather than speak my mind about what I thought of his sexist comment, I let this one go. But boy oh boy was it hard not to say anything. I was determined just to have a good time…but after that I admittedly tried to up my game. I really wanted to prove that my sex had no relation to my bowling average. Like I said, if anything lack of practice is to blame for that (I remember being pretty good as a kid…). I actually did get better, too. In our final game I bowled a (drum roll please)…66! A lot better compared to the 40- and 50-some points earned in our last two sets.

Afterward, I was still pretty peeved about that guy’s comment. So I began to wonder about biological determinism…the idea that our biology (i.e. our sex and gender) determines how we think and behave (i.e. whether or not we love the color pink). A lot of the sexist comments I encounter on a day-to-day basis stem from the belief that men and women are inherently different, and usually the comments about girls imply that they are inferior to men—that we can’t play sports as well as men, that we aren’t as smart as men, or the classic reasoning that all women are terrible drivers. As a feminist, I have learned to laugh over these comments and let them roll off my shoulders because, honestly, it’s pretty ridiculous to assume our sex has anything to do with how we drive…or bowl, in my case.

As far as comments such as the one I received Friday night, I focus my anger on the sexism--NOT on the people who make the comments. It is because so few women speak up and say something when a sexist comment is made that people continue saying or even believing in such statements. The point of speaking up over sexism and gender stereotypes is not to alienate or make someone feel bad, stupid or embarrassed. The point is to call attention to what is really being implied, and hopefully you can also get them to laugh over how truly silly it is to assume that gender affects the way I bowl or drive my car.

This time I didn’t speak up…although I probably should have. So, why speak up? Why pick miniature arguments over things most everyone just lets go? Because I like to think of it as small, brief acts of activism. Raising awareness of how women are constantly put down is important, and sometimes all it takes to get other men and women thinking about sexism is by pointing out that we are not confined to certain traits, characteristics, and behaviors just because we were born with different equipment down there.

How I Learned to Speak My Mind

The moment it ‘clicked’: when I knew I was a feminist

Seeing as I just finished the book “Click: When We Knew We Were Feminists,” I figured the best way to start this blog would be to write about my own moment when it just… “Clicked.”

I grew up with a lot of strong women in my life. In my family, especially on my mother’s side, women were outspoken, strong, beautiful, passionate, educated, and at times bordered on controlling. They pushed me to do well in school and instilled in me a passion for reading. You may think this would have fostered a strong affinity with feminism, but in fact it did just the opposite as I was growing up.

For much of my life, up until a few years into high school, I didn’t want to live up to all the expectations everyone had for me—I knew I was smart, but kept feeling like being smart meant I would always have to succeed…at everything. So, although I kept doing well in school, my ultimate goal became to fall in love and live happily ever after. I see now that I was trying to take “the easy way out”. I knew that, as a girl growing up in the 90s and now in the 21st century, I had vast opportunities and options. But, I was afraid. I was afraid of not being good enough, and of not being able to compete with the boys and men of the world. Daydreaming was my forte, and in my dreams I did want more…but in reality I simply wanted to get by and fit in with all those girls who just didn’t understand me.

It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that I started to question things. I had been going to a Christian youth group with my best friend for the past two years, and during that time we started to notice that girls and boys were not exactly treated as equals. For instance, girls were banned from wearing bikinis during our weekend hotel youth conferences, because the pastors and their wives said we would be tempting the boys and ‘making them think impure thoughts.’ Also, my guy friends were huge hypocrites—they would nag about abstinence to us but then they went ahead and had sex, and if we swore even once they would say it wasn’t “lady like.” My friend and I had the last straw when her older sister decided to get married when she was just 18 years old, claiming it was “what God wanted.” So we began to wonder, what about what we wanted? So what if I swore or wanted to wear a bikini or speak my mind instead of going along with what I was told? That’s when the light bulb went off, and although I didn’t suddenly identify with feminism, that’s when I began owning who I was. I had always been quiet out of fear of not being “feminine” enough if I got angry or spoke my mind…I had wanted boys to pay attention to me and had been more concerned about what others thought of me than of what I thought of myself.

So I became outspoken and I swore when I wanted to. I ditched the innocent look in favor of black clothing with bright accessories. I was a little too sacrilegious for those last two years of high school, and I went a little wild. I began to experience life the way I had always wanted to—with passion and laughter and learning and hope. And you know what? I made friends. I got along with other girls better than I ever had, because I ditched the jealousy in favor of liking myself.

As I grew from this little rebellion against the system, I eventually found my way into an Intro to Women’s and Gender Studies course when I got to college. It taught me those things that you always know in the back of your mind, but you just don’t realize their truth until someone says them out loud.

My feminist identity was solidified when I took Feminist Theory, with an amazing professor and some of the most interesting and intelligent women I’ve ever met. We talked, we shared stories, and I think we all fell in love with the movement.

The thing I love most about feminism is learning to question the way things are, and to never accept being treated differently based on gender (and also based on class, race, creed, or political beliefs). It has taught me stop punishing myself for not being “good enough,” because now I know that I am. With feminism I feel beautiful because of my mind, my compassion, my interests, and my sarcasm.