It has been a while since I've posted. And I can tell you, this black hole of time in my blog space was no accident, despite being unintentional. But, it's a new year. Maybe even the last. So with a new (final) year, you've got to have a wicked sweet resolution. After several weeks of winter break boredom that served to give my mind time enough to mull over the last two months, I have my resolution--and it's a good resolution for all women to adopt.
But before revealing my resolution, a bit of background info:
I'm graduating in May.
I've been attending college in one way or another for six years.
I moved in with my boyfriend.
I have no savings and lots of student loan debt.
I am turning 24.
I don't know what will happen for sure after college.
All of these things have been stressful to the point of causing me to lose the ability to sleep through the night. But, those things alone haven't really been the exact cause of my completely irrational, stupid, cranky moods for the last two months. But I think I figured it out and, as a feminist, having these feelings have definitely kept me far, far away from my poor blog.
First of all, navigating girl world is no easy task. We are taught to be nice, to share, to be optimistic, to make best friends, to have boyfriends and fall in love and get married and push out a few beautiful babies. And that's all great. Those are good things for the most part--not exactly every girls dream, but you get the socially acceptable idea. On top of those things, though, we are taught to be the prettiest, to be the most wanted, to be the most popular and so on an so forth. We are taught to get attention and that it feels good when other girls want to be in our shoes. In other words: We are taught to be jealous bitches.
I can think of no better example in my life of being a jealous bitch than right now. It's awful. I hate it, and I don't want to be all jealous of my friends because they have good things happening to them. But here's the thing: My friends are all getting engaged, are currently pregnant, or have children. My best friend got married. I cried mostly because I was so, so happy for her--but in the back of my mind all I could think was, "when will my life begin?" Way to be a feminist, right? It's so cliche, but it has been drilled into the female mind for centuries that their real, adult life will only begin once they walk down that aisle or birth a small human.
So my best friend got married. And then my roommate became pregnant and just got engaged. And another girl at work got engaged. And so on and so forth. And each time, I felt so angry. So mad that all I've done is go to college and go to college and work at a restaurant for four years. This jealousy has gotten in the way of my friends' happiness, since everyone can read my emotions and i can hide nothing--stupid Pisces. And, its been getting in the way of my own happiness.
I know I'm not alone in feeling like this. Just check out Jenna Marbles' latest video blog about the same subject:
So starting now, I want myself and all women to stop being jealous of eachother simply because society has instilled silly ideas in our heads that happiness lies in marriage and beauty and popularity and children. Our lives are not a competition against one another.
So step one of this new year's resolution (say it with me ladies!): I resolve to value what I have done so far with my life, and look forward to the future. I resolve to be supportive of my friends instead of focusing on how the steps they're taking now haven't happened for me yet. I resolve to acknowledge that jealousy happens, that is an ugly thing, and that I will move on from it and stop comparing myself and my value to other women.
I already feel better, and I hope this post and Jenna Marbles made you all feel better too. Happy New Year!
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Gamers and Geeks: Girls enter the boys-only club
It's pretty safe to assume that when most people hear the terms "video gamer" and "geek," they think of boys and men rather than of girls and women. The gaming, comic book, sci-fi and fantasy worlds have all been masculinized and are in many ways exclusionary. This exclusion of women also extends to activities like downloading, pirating and file sharing. I mean, can you really go on a file sharing web site or play a video game without being tantalized by an erotic ad or a sex-pot female character? In my own experience, no.
Many women and girls have been and are active gamers and geeks who like superheroes and Star Wars and dressing up as their favorite Sailor Moon character. But, they remain outsiders in a world where game play and websites objectify and demean females, advertise for porn websites and generally glorify male characters while sexualizing female characters in a way that sends a specific message: this is meant for dudes.
Although the tendency toward violence and aggression is what has often characterized video gaming as something more appropriate for men, women also find the same games fun and engaging, while also enjoying the stories and characters of RPGs. They recognize and celebrate the physical cunning and strength of the female characters they play, and often gain their own sense of strength from playing these characters or creating an avatar.
An issue still facing female gamers is harrassment by male gamers. And though much of the harassment is delivered virtually, during game play, it is still inappropriate. Many female gamers are frustrated and fed up with being asked out on dates during online play, or told they can't be good at video games simply because they are female.
Although women are less represented in terms of the number of lead female characters and of female gaming experts on TV, geeky girls have been pushing their way into the boys-only club in a big way over the past few years.
Thanks to video blogging, web series and social media, female gamers and geeks have been getting their name out there and making valid statements about how technology and sci-fi/fantasy genres are for women, too. Though women are often portrayed as nothing more than sexual objects throughout the gamer and online worlds, these women show that they are more and have just as much valid interest in comic books, superheroes, elves and spellcasters as any man has.
There are several women/groups out there right now who celebrate their love of geekdom and technology, and they are assisting other women in taking a more active role in the gaming community. I especially admire that they are showing girls and women they can still be feminine even if they like Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, World of Warcraft and Call of Duty. And while at times their sexy costumes may feed into the male gamer fantasy, these women ultimately appear to be in charge of their sexuality and proud of who they are.
Team Unicorn
According to their web site:
Representing the idea that 'like unicorns, geek girls aren’t supposed to exist', Team Unicorn is a multi-media production team formed in Los Angeles, California in 2010. Its members are Michele Boyd, Clare Grant, Milynn Sarley, and Rileah Vanderbilt. The group was first created when the four girls came together to create their debut online video, “G33K & G4M3R Girls” in September 2010. Spoofing Katy Perry’s “California Gurls“, the video is filled with geek cultural references and pays tribute to women who love gaming, manga, sci-fi and many other genre related topics.
My only real beef with Team Unicorn is that they are all model-gorgeous, often edging on that line between sexual and sexualized. Nonetheless, they have a great sense of humor about the films, games and books geek girls love.
Felicia Day and "The Guild"
Felicia Day is, hands down, the coolest female on the planet (except for Tina Fey, of course). You can tell how much she actually loves gaming and role-playing, and her interests and talent led her to create one of the most popular web series out there: "The Guild," which was originally financed by fan donations and is now distributed by Xbox Live and sponsored by Sprint. Check out the first episode, it's awesome!
Felicia Day has also been featured on soon-to-be-cult-classic "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog," and is the lead character in another web series: "Dragon Age: Redemption."
Feminist Frequency
There are a couple fantastic videos by Anita Sarkeesian about female gamers/geeks. She has her own web site, and is actually writing her thesis about strong women in science fiction and fantasy television. Her site is fantastic for information about anything dealing with feminism and pop culture.
Geek Girl Con
Yes, this year--earlier this month, to be exact--the first Geek Girl Con took place in Seattle. They have a fantastic facts page about the event and why they put it on. Anita Sarkeesian was one of many female panelists/speakers featured at the event.
There are many other people, sites and groups out there supporting the female gamer/geek community. These are just a few I happen to like and relate to.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Undesirable Myth No. 1
Last night I, my boyfriend, and one of his friends caught up on episodes 2 & 3 of HBO's new series, "Game of Thrones." For those who don't know much about it, the show is based on the book series "A Song of Fire and Ice," by George R.R. Martin, and is set in a mythical world of Kings and Queens. The characters engage in a battle for the Iron Throne and are learned in the ways of war, intrigue, incest, backstabbing and scheming. It's similar to Lord of the Rings in that it's a fantasy, but it is quite a bit less light-hearted and portrays some rather harsh realities lived out by the many characters.
One of the hard-to-watch aspects of the show is how some of the women are treated. As we were watching episode 2, Princess Daenerys, who had recently been married to a brutish warrior-leader, was obviously being raped by this new husband of hers. They definitely made this clear in the scene--she was crying and clearly didn't want what was happening to her--and I commented on how her husband was obviously raping her.
And then I heard it, Undesirable Myth No. 1: "You can't rape your wife."
It was said by my boyfriend's friend. Of course, this launched me into a thoughtful and measured rebuttle of said myth.
First of all, you can most certainly rape your wife. Just because two people are married does not mean the woman consents to having sex with her husband whenever he wants. Obviously, if she is crying and saying "no," that constitutes rape. Up until the 1970s, marital rape was not considered a criminal act and many men actually did believe "you can't rape your wife." I suppose the logic is something like this: She consented to marrying me, therefore she consented to everything that entails at all times. Fortunately, marital/spousal rape has now been criminalized, largely because rape within marriage is a form of physical abuse which accompanies other abuses. The unfortunate part is that, from his comment, I realized this myth is still floating around.
However, it got me thinking about the feminist aspects of the show. Several issues relating to women or to gender roles are portrayed in the series, and all of these have thus far opened up conversation between my boyfriend and I (or whoever else we watch it with).
In the scenes where a woman is being touched in a sexually unwanted way, her pain and emotion is made quite clear. There is no romanticizing it. Also, the women of the series have quite powerful and important roles--even despite abuse or hardship they are already rising above and show just as much cunning as the men (usually more).
One of the most interesting gender aspects of the show lies with the character Tyrion Lannister, who happens to have the condition of dwarfism. But, as the character bio cleverly states, "What Tyrion lacks in height he makes up in wit." Tyrion is a character who never lets his "disability" hinder him, and he also doesn't over-compensate by being overly macho--he's so interesting to watch. So confident, but never in a fake way. I think that makes him a fantastic male role-model.
Also, there are moments that depict a young man openly worried about his younger brother, and despite the violence in the show (which is actually not as much as I thought) it also shows a comparable number of scenes where men are shown displaying emotions--worry, hurt, familial love (no, i'm not talking about the incest) and regret.
But, the thing that most makes me love this show is the character Arya Stark. She is the youngest daughter of Lord Ned and Lady Catelyn, and she is one fierce, tough girl. She is regularly shown ditching "feminine" activities to upstage the boys, whether it be in archery or fencing. At the end of the third episode, Arya is shown learning from a master how to properly fence, and she actually beats up the young prince at one point.
Although the show can be sexually graphic at times, I consider it a good thing that it tackles some difficult topics like marital rape and unwanted pregancy, as well as disability and how that affects men, or what it's like for little girls wanting to be warriors like the little boys.
To find out more about "Game of Thrones" and the cast of characters, visit HBO.com
One of the hard-to-watch aspects of the show is how some of the women are treated. As we were watching episode 2, Princess Daenerys, who had recently been married to a brutish warrior-leader, was obviously being raped by this new husband of hers. They definitely made this clear in the scene--she was crying and clearly didn't want what was happening to her--and I commented on how her husband was obviously raping her.
And then I heard it, Undesirable Myth No. 1: "You can't rape your wife."
It was said by my boyfriend's friend. Of course, this launched me into a thoughtful and measured rebuttle of said myth.
First of all, you can most certainly rape your wife. Just because two people are married does not mean the woman consents to having sex with her husband whenever he wants. Obviously, if she is crying and saying "no," that constitutes rape. Up until the 1970s, marital rape was not considered a criminal act and many men actually did believe "you can't rape your wife." I suppose the logic is something like this: She consented to marrying me, therefore she consented to everything that entails at all times. Fortunately, marital/spousal rape has now been criminalized, largely because rape within marriage is a form of physical abuse which accompanies other abuses. The unfortunate part is that, from his comment, I realized this myth is still floating around.
However, it got me thinking about the feminist aspects of the show. Several issues relating to women or to gender roles are portrayed in the series, and all of these have thus far opened up conversation between my boyfriend and I (or whoever else we watch it with).
In the scenes where a woman is being touched in a sexually unwanted way, her pain and emotion is made quite clear. There is no romanticizing it. Also, the women of the series have quite powerful and important roles--even despite abuse or hardship they are already rising above and show just as much cunning as the men (usually more).
One of the most interesting gender aspects of the show lies with the character Tyrion Lannister, who happens to have the condition of dwarfism. But, as the character bio cleverly states, "What Tyrion lacks in height he makes up in wit." Tyrion is a character who never lets his "disability" hinder him, and he also doesn't over-compensate by being overly macho--he's so interesting to watch. So confident, but never in a fake way. I think that makes him a fantastic male role-model.
Also, there are moments that depict a young man openly worried about his younger brother, and despite the violence in the show (which is actually not as much as I thought) it also shows a comparable number of scenes where men are shown displaying emotions--worry, hurt, familial love (no, i'm not talking about the incest) and regret.
But, the thing that most makes me love this show is the character Arya Stark. She is the youngest daughter of Lord Ned and Lady Catelyn, and she is one fierce, tough girl. She is regularly shown ditching "feminine" activities to upstage the boys, whether it be in archery or fencing. At the end of the third episode, Arya is shown learning from a master how to properly fence, and she actually beats up the young prince at one point.
Although the show can be sexually graphic at times, I consider it a good thing that it tackles some difficult topics like marital rape and unwanted pregancy, as well as disability and how that affects men, or what it's like for little girls wanting to be warriors like the little boys.
To find out more about "Game of Thrones" and the cast of characters, visit HBO.com
Thursday, April 28, 2011
"The Feminist Backlash"
Anger: i.e. You are angry. I am angry. We are angry.
A few people on campus are very angry right now. "okay...so why are they angry?"
A few feminists are very angry right now. What might the reaction to this be?..."Aren't all feminists angry?" (hahahaha, very funny)
My sad admission is that throughout this past week it had kind of seemed that way to me. Luckily, my favorite feminist professor along with my trusty band of fellow-student feminists reminded me tonight that feminism is my happy place. Breathe in, breathe out. Wax on, wax off. They are very wise women, and I am so very thankful to have them around.
Still, I am now trying to figure out how I feel about the results of when feminism & anger are combined. So, I would like to discuss the issue of anger and feminism and whether it can divide feminists, bring us together, or get misplaced in negative ways.
After those two opinion articles on feminism I wrote about in my last post, there are certainly quite a few feminists on campus who are VERY angry. Angry to the point of, well, perhaps harrassment of my current editor-in-chief. I would just like to say, he really is innocent in all of this. Mistakes get made. Yes, he is a man. No, he is not conspiring to silence the voices of the feminists on my campus.
Is it necessary? Is it helpful? Is it furthering stereotypes? More than anything, is it wrong to react with such anger?
I don't think it is wrong to be angry, and I certainly don't think feminists (simply by being feminists) should worry about showing their anger. However, being angry while being a feminist can put a girl in some hard-to-navigate territory.
What I always liked about feminism and feminists is that we talk about things, we open up discussion...which had been happening over these articles. At one point on our women's studies Facebook page someone suggested we start a feminist student org in response to the mysoginistic opinion article. Great! That is a fantastic solution which would further open up discussion about feminism.
But what I've also seen this week is a lot of misplaced anger. Many are blaming everyone involved on my campus paper (boycotting it) or are now sticking the finger to the man (my editor-in-chief) by writing email after email and stalking our office (this is mostly just one person). This is not productive.
I think it was good for people to get angry about what was said in our paper, and it was a good idea on everyone's part to write letters to the editor in response. That was so great to see. But, on the other hand, it is not helpful to suggest in an open forum that the editor-in-chief (who didn't write the article) is actively involved in a "feminist backlash."
By doing this--by ignoring our newspaper's attempts to apologize for said article--I think that is where anger starts to hurt the movement. Yes, we should get angry over issues and how feminism is misunderstood, but I don't believe we should direct anger at specific people, not even the writer necessarily, because that just feeds into the "angry feminist" stereotype and, in the end, it doesn't help teach others about what feminism is really about.
My big thing is that, in feminist theory, we always talk about how many people have false perceptions of feminism. Also, given how boys and girls are raised in this society, men often don't realize just how much more power and privilege they have in life compared to others (e.g. women). So, it makes sense to me that a male writing an opinion piece on feminism would get it wrong, not cite any facts/data, and assume he has it right. Is this frustrating? Oh heck yes, but instead of just directing all kinds of anger his way I try to sit and talk about it. I have encouraged him multiple times to look at feminist writers or have mentioned the benefits feminism would have for men.
I have always been a pacifist, so I admit that I am biased against anger as a reaction. That's just how I am. However, anger to the degree I have seen this week is not only going to keep people from actually changing their perceptions of feminists--it could very well drive some feminists away. I certainly have felt alienated and hurt and frustrated over this catastrophe all week, and I don't want to be a part of something that comes off as hateful and exclusionary. Like I said before, though, I'm lucky enough to have a great group of fellow feminists within the department to turn to, and they most certainly embody the kind, loving, intelligent/wise aspects of feminism that will always draw me to it.
On another note, I wanted to brush off all of this anger and frustration. So, I picked up a copy of "Bossypants," Tina Fey's new book. It already has me laughing, and hopefully I can finish it quickly (before I get too bogged down in finals) to post a snazzy review!
A few people on campus are very angry right now. "okay...so why are they angry?"
A few feminists are very angry right now. What might the reaction to this be?..."Aren't all feminists angry?" (hahahaha, very funny)
My sad admission is that throughout this past week it had kind of seemed that way to me. Luckily, my favorite feminist professor along with my trusty band of fellow-student feminists reminded me tonight that feminism is my happy place. Breathe in, breathe out. Wax on, wax off. They are very wise women, and I am so very thankful to have them around.
Still, I am now trying to figure out how I feel about the results of when feminism & anger are combined. So, I would like to discuss the issue of anger and feminism and whether it can divide feminists, bring us together, or get misplaced in negative ways.
After those two opinion articles on feminism I wrote about in my last post, there are certainly quite a few feminists on campus who are VERY angry. Angry to the point of, well, perhaps harrassment of my current editor-in-chief. I would just like to say, he really is innocent in all of this. Mistakes get made. Yes, he is a man. No, he is not conspiring to silence the voices of the feminists on my campus.
Is it necessary? Is it helpful? Is it furthering stereotypes? More than anything, is it wrong to react with such anger?
I don't think it is wrong to be angry, and I certainly don't think feminists (simply by being feminists) should worry about showing their anger. However, being angry while being a feminist can put a girl in some hard-to-navigate territory.
What I always liked about feminism and feminists is that we talk about things, we open up discussion...which had been happening over these articles. At one point on our women's studies Facebook page someone suggested we start a feminist student org in response to the mysoginistic opinion article. Great! That is a fantastic solution which would further open up discussion about feminism.
But what I've also seen this week is a lot of misplaced anger. Many are blaming everyone involved on my campus paper (boycotting it) or are now sticking the finger to the man (my editor-in-chief) by writing email after email and stalking our office (this is mostly just one person). This is not productive.
I think it was good for people to get angry about what was said in our paper, and it was a good idea on everyone's part to write letters to the editor in response. That was so great to see. But, on the other hand, it is not helpful to suggest in an open forum that the editor-in-chief (who didn't write the article) is actively involved in a "feminist backlash."
By doing this--by ignoring our newspaper's attempts to apologize for said article--I think that is where anger starts to hurt the movement. Yes, we should get angry over issues and how feminism is misunderstood, but I don't believe we should direct anger at specific people, not even the writer necessarily, because that just feeds into the "angry feminist" stereotype and, in the end, it doesn't help teach others about what feminism is really about.
My big thing is that, in feminist theory, we always talk about how many people have false perceptions of feminism. Also, given how boys and girls are raised in this society, men often don't realize just how much more power and privilege they have in life compared to others (e.g. women). So, it makes sense to me that a male writing an opinion piece on feminism would get it wrong, not cite any facts/data, and assume he has it right. Is this frustrating? Oh heck yes, but instead of just directing all kinds of anger his way I try to sit and talk about it. I have encouraged him multiple times to look at feminist writers or have mentioned the benefits feminism would have for men.
I have always been a pacifist, so I admit that I am biased against anger as a reaction. That's just how I am. However, anger to the degree I have seen this week is not only going to keep people from actually changing their perceptions of feminists--it could very well drive some feminists away. I certainly have felt alienated and hurt and frustrated over this catastrophe all week, and I don't want to be a part of something that comes off as hateful and exclusionary. Like I said before, though, I'm lucky enough to have a great group of fellow feminists within the department to turn to, and they most certainly embody the kind, loving, intelligent/wise aspects of feminism that will always draw me to it.
On another note, I wanted to brush off all of this anger and frustration. So, I picked up a copy of "Bossypants," Tina Fey's new book. It already has me laughing, and hopefully I can finish it quickly (before I get too bogged down in finals) to post a snazzy review!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Frisky Friday
Truth be told, this has been a stressful week. A week of worrying about what to write for this blog, what to write about for my advanced reporting class, and what to write for my research paper on adoption law. Amidst all this stress, my mind, for no reasonable explanation at all, has been fixated on one thing: sex.
Yes, I have to admit that I may be shamelessly engaging in sexual acts with my boyfriend as a means of escapism (and stress relief), but I also admit that it led me to some very interesting things.
Namely, it has led me to ponder attraction, sexiness, the act itself and how feminism has perhaps changed my ideas regarding sex and sexuality. Usually I wouldn't just out and admit that I've had sex on the brain, but in relation to feminism it is too good a topic to let fall to the wayside.
As a result of things, I ended up Googling the words "sexy" and "feminist"...and lo and behold Google answered my prayers by returning the result of sexyfeminist.com, a "no-guilt guide to being a modern feminist."
A lot of people don't exactly think "sexy" when they hear the word "feminist." Usually they think the opposite. But honestly, who wouldn't find these traits sexy? :
intelligence, confindence, passion, curiosity, being outspoken? As a young, modern feminist, I find that more and more aspects of the movement focus on how feminism doesn't necessarily mean sexing yourself down.
In feminist circles, sex is a tricky topic...well, it's a tricky topic in general.
On the one hand, there are feminists who see sex as a power play--a struggle between dominance and submission in which the female is most often put in the submissive role. On the other hand, there are feminists who embrace the sexual freedoms we are granted today, which are fairly new to us women. It really wasn't until the 60s-70s (the 2nd wave) that women began to fight for their right to enjoy sex and to want pleasure for themselves, rather than just dishing it out to the men. Both these types of feminists own their sexuality (whether they be straight or gay) by learning about their bodies and what they want and how they get pleasure.
Is one better than the other? Not at all. And many people fall in between these two schools of thought.
So, my point ladies, is that with feminism you can express your sexual nature as freely as you wish, or you can be as carful with it as you wish. I find that I exercise both at various times: If a guy seems to be bossing me around, wanting "x" done to him, it usually results in me turning "x" down--i'm not a plaything or your sex-robot. However, feminism usually makes me feel sexy and confident, and that makes it all the more fun. Even better is that, when I do have sex, I know it's because me and my boyfriend are mutually engaging in the "deed" together.
Sex should be fun and uplifting, and I am a huge advocate for sex education playing a big role in this. A major aspect of sex, love and attraction is being educated about these things, and I for one have a serious debt to pay to Planned Parenthood for all the wonderful services and help they provide. I was so happy to learn today that the U.S. Senate voted not to cut federal funding to Planned Parenthood. Ah, sweet victory.
It was at sexyfeminist.com that I found the following video, which I found particularly appropriate with this win in the Senate.
Along those lines, I have got to urge everyone to check out bedsider.org. It is still in it's beta version, but this site is chalk full of not only birth control help/info (text alerts for when to take your next pill? Genius), but it also has "Frisky Fridays"--which I pay homage to in the title of this blog entry. It's a column akin to the feminist version of cosmo how-to's; but, these how-to's teach girls more about how to love themselves in addition to loving another.
So there it is. I have sex. What I've found with feminism is that I not only have sex, I enjoy it far more.
Yes, I have to admit that I may be shamelessly engaging in sexual acts with my boyfriend as a means of escapism (and stress relief), but I also admit that it led me to some very interesting things.
Namely, it has led me to ponder attraction, sexiness, the act itself and how feminism has perhaps changed my ideas regarding sex and sexuality. Usually I wouldn't just out and admit that I've had sex on the brain, but in relation to feminism it is too good a topic to let fall to the wayside.
As a result of things, I ended up Googling the words "sexy" and "feminist"...and lo and behold Google answered my prayers by returning the result of sexyfeminist.com, a "no-guilt guide to being a modern feminist."
A lot of people don't exactly think "sexy" when they hear the word "feminist." Usually they think the opposite. But honestly, who wouldn't find these traits sexy? :
intelligence, confindence, passion, curiosity, being outspoken? As a young, modern feminist, I find that more and more aspects of the movement focus on how feminism doesn't necessarily mean sexing yourself down.
In feminist circles, sex is a tricky topic...well, it's a tricky topic in general.
On the one hand, there are feminists who see sex as a power play--a struggle between dominance and submission in which the female is most often put in the submissive role. On the other hand, there are feminists who embrace the sexual freedoms we are granted today, which are fairly new to us women. It really wasn't until the 60s-70s (the 2nd wave) that women began to fight for their right to enjoy sex and to want pleasure for themselves, rather than just dishing it out to the men. Both these types of feminists own their sexuality (whether they be straight or gay) by learning about their bodies and what they want and how they get pleasure.
Is one better than the other? Not at all. And many people fall in between these two schools of thought.
So, my point ladies, is that with feminism you can express your sexual nature as freely as you wish, or you can be as carful with it as you wish. I find that I exercise both at various times: If a guy seems to be bossing me around, wanting "x" done to him, it usually results in me turning "x" down--i'm not a plaything or your sex-robot. However, feminism usually makes me feel sexy and confident, and that makes it all the more fun. Even better is that, when I do have sex, I know it's because me and my boyfriend are mutually engaging in the "deed" together.
Sex should be fun and uplifting, and I am a huge advocate for sex education playing a big role in this. A major aspect of sex, love and attraction is being educated about these things, and I for one have a serious debt to pay to Planned Parenthood for all the wonderful services and help they provide. I was so happy to learn today that the U.S. Senate voted not to cut federal funding to Planned Parenthood. Ah, sweet victory.
It was at sexyfeminist.com that I found the following video, which I found particularly appropriate with this win in the Senate.
Along those lines, I have got to urge everyone to check out bedsider.org. It is still in it's beta version, but this site is chalk full of not only birth control help/info (text alerts for when to take your next pill? Genius), but it also has "Frisky Fridays"--which I pay homage to in the title of this blog entry. It's a column akin to the feminist version of cosmo how-to's; but, these how-to's teach girls more about how to love themselves in addition to loving another.
So there it is. I have sex. What I've found with feminism is that I not only have sex, I enjoy it far more.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Biological Determinism and Bowling
I never go bowling. I just don’t. I think the last time I had gone bowling was last summer, and before that, it had been years. Even so, when my roommate wanted to go bowling this past Friday night I opted to go with because I was up for some fun that didn’t involve the bars (and subsequently didn’t involve males and females humping everyone within range of their genitals).
After playing one game with my roommate and a mutual male friend, another two male friends of my roommate showed up. As soon as these other two boys joined us, I could tell the game was suddenly turning into more of a competition. Mostly this competition seemed to be about how they threw the ball down the lane…? All I can say is they were kind of rocketing the bowling balls down the lane by kind of launching the ball from their hand. It was amusing, and surprisingly effective. I opted not to attempt such form, as I have little bird arms and probably would have launched my ball into another lane or behind me (which I have, in fact, done in the past).
It came to be my turn again. I got a couple pins, but barely. I turned around with my typical “gosh-darn-it-I-missed” face on, coupled with a big smile. I was just having fun and didn’t particularly care that I obviously was the worst bowler in our group.
As I picked up another ball for the second attempt, one of our new male companions felt compelled to say, “You bowl like such a girl.”
I was temporarily livid. A girl? How does a girl bowl, anyway? Was he implying that all girls bowl poorly? Did that mean that throwing the ball haphazardly was how you bowl “like a man?” I mean, I know I’m not good at it, but that’s mostly because I have no practice…NOT because I’m a girl. Or, perhaps he was just referring to the way I was throwing the bowling ball down the lane. Although I don’t see how that could be deemed strictly “girlish” in form…like I said, I sure wasn’t going to try it the way they were doing it. I didn’t come to try and kill someone by way of stray bowling ball.
Rather than speak my mind about what I thought of his sexist comment, I let this one go. But boy oh boy was it hard not to say anything. I was determined just to have a good time…but after that I admittedly tried to up my game. I really wanted to prove that my sex had no relation to my bowling average. Like I said, if anything lack of practice is to blame for that (I remember being pretty good as a kid…). I actually did get better, too. In our final game I bowled a (drum roll please)…66! A lot better compared to the 40- and 50-some points earned in our last two sets.
Afterward, I was still pretty peeved about that guy’s comment. So I began to wonder about biological determinism…the idea that our biology (i.e. our sex and gender) determines how we think and behave (i.e. whether or not we love the color pink). A lot of the sexist comments I encounter on a day-to-day basis stem from the belief that men and women are inherently different, and usually the comments about girls imply that they are inferior to men—that we can’t play sports as well as men, that we aren’t as smart as men, or the classic reasoning that all women are terrible drivers. As a feminist, I have learned to laugh over these comments and let them roll off my shoulders because, honestly, it’s pretty ridiculous to assume our sex has anything to do with how we drive…or bowl, in my case.
As far as comments such as the one I received Friday night, I focus my anger on the sexism--NOT on the people who make the comments. It is because so few women speak up and say something when a sexist comment is made that people continue saying or even believing in such statements. The point of speaking up over sexism and gender stereotypes is not to alienate or make someone feel bad, stupid or embarrassed. The point is to call attention to what is really being implied, and hopefully you can also get them to laugh over how truly silly it is to assume that gender affects the way I bowl or drive my car.
This time I didn’t speak up…although I probably should have. So, why speak up? Why pick miniature arguments over things most everyone just lets go? Because I like to think of it as small, brief acts of activism. Raising awareness of how women are constantly put down is important, and sometimes all it takes to get other men and women thinking about sexism is by pointing out that we are not confined to certain traits, characteristics, and behaviors just because we were born with different equipment down there.
After playing one game with my roommate and a mutual male friend, another two male friends of my roommate showed up. As soon as these other two boys joined us, I could tell the game was suddenly turning into more of a competition. Mostly this competition seemed to be about how they threw the ball down the lane…? All I can say is they were kind of rocketing the bowling balls down the lane by kind of launching the ball from their hand. It was amusing, and surprisingly effective. I opted not to attempt such form, as I have little bird arms and probably would have launched my ball into another lane or behind me (which I have, in fact, done in the past).
It came to be my turn again. I got a couple pins, but barely. I turned around with my typical “gosh-darn-it-I-missed” face on, coupled with a big smile. I was just having fun and didn’t particularly care that I obviously was the worst bowler in our group.
As I picked up another ball for the second attempt, one of our new male companions felt compelled to say, “You bowl like such a girl.”
I was temporarily livid. A girl? How does a girl bowl, anyway? Was he implying that all girls bowl poorly? Did that mean that throwing the ball haphazardly was how you bowl “like a man?” I mean, I know I’m not good at it, but that’s mostly because I have no practice…NOT because I’m a girl. Or, perhaps he was just referring to the way I was throwing the bowling ball down the lane. Although I don’t see how that could be deemed strictly “girlish” in form…like I said, I sure wasn’t going to try it the way they were doing it. I didn’t come to try and kill someone by way of stray bowling ball.
Rather than speak my mind about what I thought of his sexist comment, I let this one go. But boy oh boy was it hard not to say anything. I was determined just to have a good time…but after that I admittedly tried to up my game. I really wanted to prove that my sex had no relation to my bowling average. Like I said, if anything lack of practice is to blame for that (I remember being pretty good as a kid…). I actually did get better, too. In our final game I bowled a (drum roll please)…66! A lot better compared to the 40- and 50-some points earned in our last two sets.
Afterward, I was still pretty peeved about that guy’s comment. So I began to wonder about biological determinism…the idea that our biology (i.e. our sex and gender) determines how we think and behave (i.e. whether or not we love the color pink). A lot of the sexist comments I encounter on a day-to-day basis stem from the belief that men and women are inherently different, and usually the comments about girls imply that they are inferior to men—that we can’t play sports as well as men, that we aren’t as smart as men, or the classic reasoning that all women are terrible drivers. As a feminist, I have learned to laugh over these comments and let them roll off my shoulders because, honestly, it’s pretty ridiculous to assume our sex has anything to do with how we drive…or bowl, in my case.
As far as comments such as the one I received Friday night, I focus my anger on the sexism--NOT on the people who make the comments. It is because so few women speak up and say something when a sexist comment is made that people continue saying or even believing in such statements. The point of speaking up over sexism and gender stereotypes is not to alienate or make someone feel bad, stupid or embarrassed. The point is to call attention to what is really being implied, and hopefully you can also get them to laugh over how truly silly it is to assume that gender affects the way I bowl or drive my car.
This time I didn’t speak up…although I probably should have. So, why speak up? Why pick miniature arguments over things most everyone just lets go? Because I like to think of it as small, brief acts of activism. Raising awareness of how women are constantly put down is important, and sometimes all it takes to get other men and women thinking about sexism is by pointing out that we are not confined to certain traits, characteristics, and behaviors just because we were born with different equipment down there.
Friday, April 1, 2011
How I Learned to Speak My Mind
The moment it ‘clicked’: when I knew I was a feminist
Seeing as I just finished the book “Click: When We Knew We Were Feminists,” I figured the best way to start this blog would be to write about my own moment when it just… “Clicked.”
I grew up with a lot of strong women in my life. In my family, especially on my mother’s side, women were outspoken, strong, beautiful, passionate, educated, and at times bordered on controlling. They pushed me to do well in school and instilled in me a passion for reading. You may think this would have fostered a strong affinity with feminism, but in fact it did just the opposite as I was growing up.
For much of my life, up until a few years into high school, I didn’t want to live up to all the expectations everyone had for me—I knew I was smart, but kept feeling like being smart meant I would always have to succeed…at everything. So, although I kept doing well in school, my ultimate goal became to fall in love and live happily ever after. I see now that I was trying to take “the easy way out”. I knew that, as a girl growing up in the 90s and now in the 21st century, I had vast opportunities and options. But, I was afraid. I was afraid of not being good enough, and of not being able to compete with the boys and men of the world. Daydreaming was my forte, and in my dreams I did want more…but in reality I simply wanted to get by and fit in with all those girls who just didn’t understand me.
It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that I started to question things. I had been going to a Christian youth group with my best friend for the past two years, and during that time we started to notice that girls and boys were not exactly treated as equals. For instance, girls were banned from wearing bikinis during our weekend hotel youth conferences, because the pastors and their wives said we would be tempting the boys and ‘making them think impure thoughts.’ Also, my guy friends were huge hypocrites—they would nag about abstinence to us but then they went ahead and had sex, and if we swore even once they would say it wasn’t “lady like.” My friend and I had the last straw when her older sister decided to get married when she was just 18 years old, claiming it was “what God wanted.” So we began to wonder, what about what we wanted? So what if I swore or wanted to wear a bikini or speak my mind instead of going along with what I was told? That’s when the light bulb went off, and although I didn’t suddenly identify with feminism, that’s when I began owning who I was. I had always been quiet out of fear of not being “feminine” enough if I got angry or spoke my mind…I had wanted boys to pay attention to me and had been more concerned about what others thought of me than of what I thought of myself.
So I became outspoken and I swore when I wanted to. I ditched the innocent look in favor of black clothing with bright accessories. I was a little too sacrilegious for those last two years of high school, and I went a little wild. I began to experience life the way I had always wanted to—with passion and laughter and learning and hope. And you know what? I made friends. I got along with other girls better than I ever had, because I ditched the jealousy in favor of liking myself.
As I grew from this little rebellion against the system, I eventually found my way into an Intro to Women’s and Gender Studies course when I got to college. It taught me those things that you always know in the back of your mind, but you just don’t realize their truth until someone says them out loud.
My feminist identity was solidified when I took Feminist Theory, with an amazing professor and some of the most interesting and intelligent women I’ve ever met. We talked, we shared stories, and I think we all fell in love with the movement.
The thing I love most about feminism is learning to question the way things are, and to never accept being treated differently based on gender (and also based on class, race, creed, or political beliefs). It has taught me stop punishing myself for not being “good enough,” because now I know that I am. With feminism I feel beautiful because of my mind, my compassion, my interests, and my sarcasm.
Seeing as I just finished the book “Click: When We Knew We Were Feminists,” I figured the best way to start this blog would be to write about my own moment when it just… “Clicked.”
I grew up with a lot of strong women in my life. In my family, especially on my mother’s side, women were outspoken, strong, beautiful, passionate, educated, and at times bordered on controlling. They pushed me to do well in school and instilled in me a passion for reading. You may think this would have fostered a strong affinity with feminism, but in fact it did just the opposite as I was growing up.
For much of my life, up until a few years into high school, I didn’t want to live up to all the expectations everyone had for me—I knew I was smart, but kept feeling like being smart meant I would always have to succeed…at everything. So, although I kept doing well in school, my ultimate goal became to fall in love and live happily ever after. I see now that I was trying to take “the easy way out”. I knew that, as a girl growing up in the 90s and now in the 21st century, I had vast opportunities and options. But, I was afraid. I was afraid of not being good enough, and of not being able to compete with the boys and men of the world. Daydreaming was my forte, and in my dreams I did want more…but in reality I simply wanted to get by and fit in with all those girls who just didn’t understand me.
It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that I started to question things. I had been going to a Christian youth group with my best friend for the past two years, and during that time we started to notice that girls and boys were not exactly treated as equals. For instance, girls were banned from wearing bikinis during our weekend hotel youth conferences, because the pastors and their wives said we would be tempting the boys and ‘making them think impure thoughts.’ Also, my guy friends were huge hypocrites—they would nag about abstinence to us but then they went ahead and had sex, and if we swore even once they would say it wasn’t “lady like.” My friend and I had the last straw when her older sister decided to get married when she was just 18 years old, claiming it was “what God wanted.” So we began to wonder, what about what we wanted? So what if I swore or wanted to wear a bikini or speak my mind instead of going along with what I was told? That’s when the light bulb went off, and although I didn’t suddenly identify with feminism, that’s when I began owning who I was. I had always been quiet out of fear of not being “feminine” enough if I got angry or spoke my mind…I had wanted boys to pay attention to me and had been more concerned about what others thought of me than of what I thought of myself.
So I became outspoken and I swore when I wanted to. I ditched the innocent look in favor of black clothing with bright accessories. I was a little too sacrilegious for those last two years of high school, and I went a little wild. I began to experience life the way I had always wanted to—with passion and laughter and learning and hope. And you know what? I made friends. I got along with other girls better than I ever had, because I ditched the jealousy in favor of liking myself.
As I grew from this little rebellion against the system, I eventually found my way into an Intro to Women’s and Gender Studies course when I got to college. It taught me those things that you always know in the back of your mind, but you just don’t realize their truth until someone says them out loud.
My feminist identity was solidified when I took Feminist Theory, with an amazing professor and some of the most interesting and intelligent women I’ve ever met. We talked, we shared stories, and I think we all fell in love with the movement.
The thing I love most about feminism is learning to question the way things are, and to never accept being treated differently based on gender (and also based on class, race, creed, or political beliefs). It has taught me stop punishing myself for not being “good enough,” because now I know that I am. With feminism I feel beautiful because of my mind, my compassion, my interests, and my sarcasm.
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